hello, sweet friends o' the blogosphere. I'm back! Or, I am here again, just in a different place. Let's all breathe a big sigh of relief. I'm no good at this keeping quiet thing, I've been itching to blog for TWO WHOLE WEEKS. I feel like my life has been on hold, and I've tried to keep up with all of you, whether I've been commenting or not, but oh how I missed blogging. I've had a little mourning ceremony for my old blog, and made the last post a statement for how I hope to heal. Day by day, people. I've never been one to 'get over things' easily.
I apologize for the long delay of the new blog. As I told someone, at some point, I was in a place where I didn't really think anyone needed to hear my thoughts. Not that my thoughts are not worthy or valid, but they have been a wee bit on the broken record side, as in,
...Oh my God I have no job hey this unemployment thing is rather liberating oh my gosh I have NO JOB in fact I was fired how can someone elected most likely to succeed in high school get FIRED...
going around for loops and loops in my little head. Over and over and over, and in conversations with friends and loved ones, even parents. Sometimes there was a nice world music rhythm behind it, which made for pleasant dancing music. Check out this lovely parental advice.
Dad: You know, you may just have to work at McDonald's.
Me: Daddy, I am not working at McDonald's.
(For the record, I worked at McDonald's for TWO YEARS. My first two years in college, okay? And I'm not saying that I'm too good for McDonald's. Okay, maybe I am, just a little teensy bit. But. I. am. not. working. at. McDonald's.)
(I think I hear God laughing.)
as I tried to recover from that conversation, my mother called.
Mom: Honey, I just don't want you to take the first job that is offered to you. But I also don't want you to run out of money.
Me: Mom. That makes no sense. And Daddy just told me I should just work at McDonald's, so you two are driving me crazy.
She called back the next day and apologized for the both of them. They are making it up to me by taking me out for Mexican tomorrow night. The only bad thing about having Mexican with my parents? No margaritas or Coronas allowed. But you know, why not? At this point, why don't I just announce that I'm going to live in sin and drink alcohol in front of them, and make their parental nightmares complete?
I'm just kidding. I know they mean well, and they are perfectly right to freak out. I love my parents, and I am looking forward to the Mexican, especially since I know my mother doesn't love to eat Mexican. I think the worst thing is knowing that they are worried about me, and I hate that. I hate the worry thing. And God forbid my grandfather ever find out - I will be so out of the will.
Today, as I was driving around, I remembered Anne Lamott's chapter from Bird by Bird, where she talks about Radio Station KFKD. For those of you who haven't read this amazing book (and you really should get it and I mean it), I'm going to give you a nice quote:
If you are not careful, station KFKD will play in your head twenty-four hours a day, nonstop, in stereo. Out of the right speaker in your inner ear will come the endless stream of self-aggrandizement, the recitation of one's specialness, of how much more open and gifted and brilliant and knowing and misunderstood and humble one is. Out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing, the lists of all the things one doesn't do well, of all the mistakes one has made today and over an entire lifetime, the doubt, the assertion that everything that one touches turns to shit, that one doesn't do relationships well, that one is in every way a fraud, incapable or selfless love, that one has no talent or insight, and on and on and one.
Right then and there, I said, that is what I've been doing. I've totally been tuning in to KFKD. Not that people haven't been there for me, and supportive, and loving, but at the end of the day it's still me and my brain, right? I told myself, Honey? this is going to stop. You're not going to focus anymore on how fucked over you were. You're not going to focus on how this is so not fair and how on earth are you going to forgive and oh yeah you're going to not focus on how you're never, ever going to find another job. KFKD is going to XM radio with Howard Stern, today, not in 2005, and you're going to listen to something else entirely.
I hope you'll tune in with me.
Here's to new beginnings.