stomping my feet

The other day, a friend told me about a new church that's sprung up in her community. "Well, it's not really a church," she explained, funnily, and then said that they only meet on Sunday afternoons. A charismatic, handsome leader. No Sunday School for kids or grown ups, absolutely no roles for women. Women are not to speak in worship. Once a week, the men worship separately. The whole congregation works out at a local gym and boycotts certain local businesses (she didn't say what businesses). It's the kind of gathering that turns former church members - family - against each other, a son doubting his own mother's salvation, cutting off contact. People selling their homes, moving into trailers, giving the extra money away. My friend's parents went to a service, if only to see what all the fuss was about, and no one even said hello. 

So much for fellowship. For welcoming strangers, or even 'angels unaware'. 

I'm not against people giving away their money to those in need, but I question the wisdom of selling your home to move into an unsound structure (especially in our tornado-prone, hurricane-friendly region). I always- ALWAYS - question any faith that silences women, that views female-ness as a lack, as a not-enough-for-God. If you don't allow women to hold any position in the body of a church, that's what your belief says to me - that you believe women are less than men. It makes me sad, and I wonder out loud how any woman of my generation can make peace with with being told, you have no place here but to sit quietly. When I hear of such, it makes me want to rattle the gates, maybe start a wild rumpus, or possibly plan an insurgent sort of movement/intervention. 

"Even Dave Ramsey is okay with people having house debt," I muse. Later, I tell Beaux about it on our ride home, and the whole idea makes him so upset he can't even talk about it. "How can anyone think they're doing God's work, in an atmostphere like that?" he asked. 

A phrase surfaced in my mouth. "There are so many people who can't accept the scandal of grace. They want to earn it. They want to believe they're good enough - better, even, than others." 

****

This story doesn't have that much to do with the other, but it's been weighing on me and I have to write it out. I feel like this whole inner debate has been consuming a lot of my mental energy, so out it must come. I want to know I'm not alone in feeling this, I want to know what you think. Even if you disagree with me. 

A couple of months ago, I was in a Bible study. The chapter focused on the partnership between husband and wife, and of course this lead us into a fevered discussion. Due to the rather Baptist slant of the group, everyone was eager to share just how submit-ful of a wife she was. Sometimes, rather ruefully, and then one woman in our group confessed that she was not sure that she was ready for another baby. Still, she trusted her husband's wisdom and he felt that "they" were ready, so she was submitting to his decision. I shook my head and wondered for a second if she were channeling Michelle Duggar. A few weeks later, I heard her good news - she was pregnant - and I shook my head again, at least on the inside. 

It's not that I don't trust my own husband to make good decisions for our family. I do. I have to. I choose to, many times. As, I expect, he does with me. But to hand over my own body, my God given vessel for child bearing, and say, "whatever"? Didn't women have to do that for far too long, already? Weren't we at the mercy of men for far too long, reproductively? I firmly believe in agreement when it comes to deciding how to structure your family - how many kids, when and when not to add to your numbers - if you have that luxury. I wouldn't get purposefully pregnant without my husband's express agreement. Still, I am flummoxed that in our modern age, a woman would give that right away. Her body. Her hormones, and organs, and emotional wellbeing. Scoff if you like, but carrying a baby is a big fat deal in my book. Past that, the day-to-day responsibility of caring for an infant and a toddler (in this particular case). I cannot even fathom that Beaux would presume to tell me I should carry another child if I for a single second confessed that I didn't feel ready. To do so is so far from respect - in my book. Now, he may say, "I really am ready for another baby. I wish we could have one tomorrow." That's something different, and that's something to consider. And who am I to judge? Maybe they really prayed about it. I don't know they dynamics of their marriage. But what I heard was a silencing. 

This sort of 'partnership' really bothers me, down deep. Because to me, that's not partnership. Partners means equals. It doesn't mean that one person makes the decisions and the other has to accept it. And I know - I am a married woman, after all - you can't always be equals. Sometimes someone has to step in, make up the lack - and that can be either one of you. Someone may have more patience at that moment, so they deal with the howling toddler. Someone has to be the adult and organize the budget. Someone has to clean up the kitchen when they don't feel like it. That someone fluctuates - in our house - on a daily, yes, hourly basis. And sometimes you agree to disagree. For me, if I didn't have a marriage based on both of our input on major decisions - it wouldn't be a marriage I could live with. It certainly isn't the sort of marriage that I feel called to, by my Creator. And thank God it's the not the marriage my husband expects. 

But it goes deeper than that, for me. Somehow, I am unable to accept the concept that I am my husband's "responsibility". I refuse to be that. God, let me be his joy, his treasure, his best friend. Sure, he provides the income so I can stay home with our kid, but I am not unable to provide for myself. For many years, I out-earned him - not that it mattered. It never mattered to us. He's also not responsible for my emotional health - that's up to me. Yes, having a family is a responsibility, but that's not quite what I mean. During that husband/wife discussion, another woman mentioned that her husband felt very strongly that he would answer to God for his family's actions. Another head shake in my soul - what am I, chattel? My children, too? Will we not be accountable for our own actions? He doesn't answer for me, he doesn't know my soul - and he knows me well. I don't need a priest for a husband! I just stomp my feet at this. I don't understand women, especially of my generation, agreeing to this. Who is telling them this is 'the right way'? It outrages me. Pull your Scripture carefully, I want to say, because I'm not a piece of property. If we haven't been freed from that concept by now, when is it going to happen? 

I stomp my feet when women silence themselves. I want to know why. I want to know the internal dialogue. I want to know, and yet I think I do know. I know the Bible verses. I know the expectations in Christian circles, certainly the more conservative ones. You support your husband, you do everything in your power to help him succeed. I don't think I could be more supportive of my husband, but it stems from a true desire of my own - or maybe God has given it to me, I can't say. I know that it is authentic. I know that the guidelines in Scripture were meant to protect women in a harsher time - when they had virtually no rights. I know that yes, Paul calls for women to submit, but he also calls for men to die for their wives, like Christ died for the church. I don't know that I want that, thanks. I know Beaux would take a bullet for me or our child, but would he do it because he's commanded to? Or because he geniunely desires to do so, out of love? But it is what I expect? 

Yet, once again, it goes deeper. Why do we silence ourselves, women? Why do we think we don't know enough? That what we know, in our deepest selves, is wrong? If it comes from our heart, is it impure? Is that it? It can't possibly be right, coming from a woman's lips? So many of us are lucky enough to have spouses who have our best interests at heart. It's the women who are mistreated by these ideas that hurt me.

I know I'm asking many rhetorical questions as I write this, but it's been a process for me. I've spent so many years in a different sort of congregation, where this sort of discussion would have been moot. It feels at times like I landed in an alien land, and I'm yearning to get back to Zion. Wherever that may be. It's conversations like this that let me know I was not in the right place, and I so want to be. But it makes me wonder, what are other young (or not so young) Christian wives experiencing? Are you just as confused as I am, when presented with a "Biblical" view of marriage, and the reality of your life? 

Comments

[Amy]

This is such a complex issue. As someone raised in the church, the thing that I used to try and cling to is that the husband loved as Christ loved the church----meaning he kept her best interests at heart, and that he was loving at all times. It wasn't a responsibility or command, it was the joy and the love that caused him to do so. I think that it's when it's viewed from the opposite point of view that it becomes an issue.

That church sounds hellish. How tragic and sad.

[Sam]

Exactly, Amy. Talking about it w/ Beaux over supper, it is that the loving husband acts out his role from love - not from a position of power. And honestly, the couple I speak of, I really don't know well. I have no idea what their marriage is like, and that's between them. But her statement absolutely floored me.

[lizardek]

*shivers*... you're hitting one of my hot buttons and the biggest reason why I turned away from organized religion and most outward shows of any kind of faith years ago.

[Sheryl]

After 18 years of marriage I'm STILL confused about what a Biblical partnership in marriage looks like. People are all so different it's got to come in many different forms, why do we all want to fit in the same mold?

For us, I am a better decision maker and problem solver so I end up doing most of that stuff. I enjoy it and it stresses Aaron out. He is a better visionary. I can't imagine how I want the future to be, so he handles that stuff-- goals and ambitions. And then we both have veto power. Aaron wants another baby. Dude, I'm 43, and I don't like babies. There will be no more babies.

A marriage is a planet with a population of three. You, your spouse and Jesus. So you have to write your own constitution and build your own cities. Each must be as patient, generous, kind and forgiving as they have the God-given ability to be. "Your mileage may vary."

I know the 3 biggest mistakes I made in our marriage was when I said, "Whatever you want honey." Neither mate should be treated like a spoiled child. That doesn't serve either of you.

[lindsey]

*wow*...i can see the veins throbbing in both of our necks. stomping my feet right alongside you.

xo

[Alethea]

Maybe God put you in that Bible study because a different point of view needed to be shared. Maybe you are a "messenger"! I can see you being the "messenger"!

And as for that church ... sounds like a cult to me!

[Bethany]

"If it comes from our heart, is it impure?" I can't tell how many Christians I have encountered over the years have answered yes, particularly regarding women. They quote Jeremiah 17:9 out of context to say that our hearts are deceitful and wicked, that not only can our hearts (read: intuitions and passions) not be trusted but that they must be counteracted. How utterly destructive.
One popular women's devotional prioritizes Christian ministry, "serving" one's husband, raising children, and housekeeping over any sort of alone or personal recharging time, and I've grimaced hearing women I know agree with it. This kind of subservience strikes me as a fast track to burn-out and depression. It makes me angry. (Here, now I'm stomping my feet with you.)
I hate to hear the way dysfunctional relationships are so often upheld as Godly. Guys leave their girlfriends for someone else because "it's God's will." Women break off engagements, cloaking fear under the cliche "this relationship is distracting me from my time with God." Husbands bully their wives with the principle of submission on their sides, and women give up their rights for the same reason. Parents ingrain the guilt of original sin into their innocent children or neglect their families for the sake of "ministry." Christian schools twist Bible passages into an excuse to expel pregnant students. So many people are disowned, belittled, abused, and silenced in the name of a God who hung out with prostitutes and hugged dusty children.
I'm so grateful to also have the kind of husband who loves me authentically (and has never once said the word "submission"). Like Laura Ingalls, I would have been completely put-off by any vows to obey my husband, even though I do respect and value his opinion. We make our family decisions together, with input from our girls if possible; all four of us are equally-important participants in our life. It makes me desperately sad to see families in which this is not the case, especially as a result of religion.

[Megsie]

I read your post a couple of days ago, and didn't comment because it required thought, which required time, which I didn't have. I have read the above comments and they have such thoughtful responses. I, myself do not like or accept the whole "submission" part of Christianity. In my view spouses are equal, and I believe this is God's view too regardless of what the Bible says. That poor woman whose husband decided that it was time for another baby. Ugggg. I was listening to MPR the other day and Gloria Steinem was being interviewed. She was discussing how important women's reproductive rights are and how this is the the most popular way that women are oppressed all over the world, and it is happening right here, and women are letting it happen. It is really depressing when you think about it. I am sorry this is not as thoughtful of a post as I would have liked it to be, but just know that it makes me stomp my feet right along with you.

[Sam]

I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful responses. I feel a deep relief in getting this off my chest, and a little embarrassed that I let myself vent so. But still. I felt it had to be said, and now it's not knocking around my brain and tying me into knots.

I so love Sheryl's statement, brilliant and perfect:

A marriage is a planet with a population of three. You, your spouse and Jesus. So you have to write your own constitution and build your own cities. Each must be as patient, generous, kind and forgiving as they have the God-given ability to be. "Your mileage may vary."

[keith]

please come home where you can "submit" to my cooking and leave all the weird shit behind....