There are some posts that are like therapy for me. This is going to be one of those posts, so bear with me. I especially am yearning to hear wisdom from the rest of you. Please don't hesitate to weigh in with your thoughts, and tell me how you've dealt with this situation in the past. If you've ever been in a similiar situation, PLEASE tell me how you have handled it. I really want to know.
It's so hard to explain things simply, but I'm going to do my best. Every Tuesday I attend a Bible study (which I SO need to write about, but just for the record, it's rocking my world in a very good way) and afterwards Thomas and I have lunch with my friend SG and her two boys. In fact, I met SG through the first Bible study (that was somewhat disasterous) I attended back in January, and it was totally a God thing. I had met her once or twice at storytime and had a total friend crush, really. We've been bonding over chicken nuggets for months now. I love her, I love her boys, and I would do anything for her. I am like an permissive aunt for her boys and they continually crack me up.
Somewhere along the way, another mom would come sporadically. I think she came to the Bible study a few times, and she and SG used to be in the same small group. There's a wee bit of history there that's not my story so I won't tell it, but...it was always a bummer when she showed up, mostly because of her son. Her son (I'll call him Tad) is the same age as Thomas, his birthday is just a day or two before or after Thomas's. This child is truly aggressive, and has always hit the other kids. Not just hit, but it's progressed to knocking down others, holding them down, and today it escalated to biting (NOT Thomas).
Now, if you know me (and y'all do, you know me!) you know that I adore children. I genuinely LIKE preschoolers, especially, and of course I taught a class of 2.5 year old's for one year. I am nowhere NEAR an expert, but I learned a lot. I know that children hit each other, it's always going to happen at some point. Sometimes they bite, mostly because they don't have the language to express themselves. I had a serial biter in my preschool class and I adored this child. (In fact, his mom may be reading this! Hi!) It broke my heart that he bit and I know it broke their heart, too. Something like that takes a lot of WORK and communication to teach a child how to respond differently.
Tad's mother just had a new baby. Thomas and I went by last week and brought a big brother present for Tad and admired the new baby (who is truly delicious). Before the baby was born, I'd made a batch of chicken salad and taken it over, since I knew how tired my friend was, and it was a huge hit. This time Thomas was with me, and I was super nervous. Tad didn't outright hit Thomas, but anytime Thomas picked up a cool toy, Tad would yank it away. I know this is normal, but after awhile Thomas got pretty sick of it and threw an almighty tantrum. Which? I don't blame him. It sucked that he couldn't play with anything. We left pretty quickly, and I blamed it on Thomas being tired. I can't tell you how DIFFERENTLY my child acted in that house. It was alarming.
(And yes, I am well aware that their is behavior issues when a new baby comes home - but honestly, I don't know how much worse the behavior could get.)
Also, for the past two weeks, Tad hasn't been at the playplace we frequent. (This is a place where we eat inside the playground, so we're right there by the boys at all times.) Thomas has studiously refused to go inside the play structure. I have asked him, "Don't you want to go in?" and he has answered, "No." At one point he said, "No, I DON'T." This is right after a particularly bad week with Tad, where he held Thomas down and I had to crawl inside to separate him. Thomas was very upset by it, of course, and I can't help but wonder if he started to associate that playplace with getting hurt by Tad. He loves SG's boys and has only tangled with her 2 year old maybe once. And I have to say...I know that every mother is biased, but my kid truly loves other children. He very rarely hits...and if I see him do it, it's an immediate time out; it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If anything, Thomas is going to knock a kid down trying to give a hug, not a punch.
I know that boys can be rough, but our children are still little. I don't mind roughhousing, we do it all the time at home, but I'm not going let my 2 year old hit others, and it's not okay for him to be hit.
After we came home from the visit at Tad's house, Beaux asked how it went, and I told him. Immediately he said, "I don't want Thomas around Tad anymore." End of story.
To hear him say that, it was a relief. Part of me felt guilty that I hadn't already made that call, but there's so much that's a part of this story that breaks my heart. Tad's mother is in a relationship that's possibly abusive. I have NO idea what Tad has seen. I have felt called to try to be in relationship with Tad's mom, because I feel like there's so many at this church who are simply sitting around and judging her...because of Tad's behavior, because he's often dressed VERY strangely, because she's somewhat strange, because...she really seems to struggle with motherhood. She always has tons of questions on how I do things, and I'm always happy to share my opinion (I know this surprises you?). But...all that I can see that she does with Tad is spank him. Spanking has its place, but in this case, it's NOT WORKING. She either spanks him, or doesn't do anything, but apologizes to me. What I'm saying is that I try really hard to reserve judgment with her parenting skills, because I don't know what's happening at home. I have no idea what this child has witnessed, God help him. But there comes a point where I have to protect my child, that is my role as a mother. Already, I feel horrible, that I have consistently put him in a situation where he's hurt by another child.
I was praying to God that she wouldn't come today, so that I would have more time to figure out what I needed to say. No dice, she was at her Bible study and I knew I had to address it. I pow-wowed with SG beforehand and we agreed the best solution was to bring it up after something happened...which occurred in the first five minutes. Tad tackled another kid (much smaller) that wasn't with us...and his nanny actually left the playplace. She's been there before when we have and I guess she knew how it was going to go. As soon as Tad's mom said, "He's been so bad lately," that was my intro.
I very carefully explained that my husband and I were worried about Thomas being around Tad. In fact, that Beaux didn't want Thomas around Tad anymore.
I told her I wasn't mad at her. I wasn't mad at Tad.
I told her I hated to lay this on her right now. Two weeks postpartum is just not a good time.
And she cried.
And I felt awful. Times a million. I wanted to be anywhere else in the world, including the dentist's chair, the OB-GYN's table, maybe even giving birth. Anywhere but here, having this very hard conversation.
She wanted to leave right then, but I told her, no, that wasn't my intention. I told her I hoped that the boys still COULD play together, but that right now, Tad isn't playing, he's hurting. Every single time Tad got in Thomas's vicinity today, he would start CRYING. Not normal. Not okay. Later on, Tad bit SG's younger son. Not okay.
I told her I didn't think that spanking him was working.
We did talk about some other solutions, such as, removing Tad from situations when he hit or bit or whatever. The hard thing is that requires that the parent miss out, too - and I know that's hard. And I told her that, admitted that I hadn't had to resort to that particular punishment with Thomas. (Yet. Now that I've said that, he'll probably do something where I have to leave my grocery cart in the middle of the store aisle.) I told her that she knows her child best, not me, and that she would have decide how to address it.
I told her many times that I wasn't mad, and that I cared for her and Tad. That is the deepest truth. The look in Tad's eyes and face is upsetting - a two year old's face should be open to the world, and his is not. I can't explain it.
One day, several weeks ago, Tad got stuck in the tower part of the place place. He was only on the second level, so I crawled up in the space and hauled him back down. (Obviously, his mom was way too pregnant to do it herself.) This required me holding him very close, and I had to lay on my back to wiggle out. Again and again he went back to the same spot, getting himself stuck. Finally, Tad's mom said, "He likes you coming to get him." And he did. He liked me snuggling him, for that short instance.
Can you hear my heart breaking?
So. I am feeling that I was the reluctant messenger, but that what I said was completely appropriate. It still sucks, to bring another mom to tears, and if anything, I wish I would have said something earlier, not later. I just really pray that what I brought to her will help her put some puzzle pieces together. I've felt a very strong calling to be in relationship with her, even though everything inside of me screams to stay far away, too much work, too much time, too messy. Maybe this is the reason - to gently point out some truths, while there's still time to help Tad. It's not going to get any easier. I don't want for her to wonder why, years from now, why no one ever invited them over, or why Tad doesn't get asked to the birthday parties, the sleepovers. I can't fix anything for her. But I am simply hoping that I can pass along a couple of tools for her toolbox. I also hope, deep down, she knows that I treated her with as much love as I possibly could.
