former vixen in a fat suit

On Wednesday - after dropping Thomas off at Mother's Morning Out - I finally got out the bridesmaid dress I'm expected to wear at the end of October. 

I couldn't zip it up. 

I found my sneakers (it took awhile) and some socks. Rummaged through my purse for my tiny iPod shuffle, loaded up my newest Kings of Leon album (new to me, Because of the Times) and filled up a big bottle of water. Then I walked over to our apartment gym, which has several treadmills, elliptical machines, and assorted weight machines. 

Nothing to do but start walking, so that's what I did. 

The weird thing is, I found myself really enjoying the time on the treadmill. That first day I walked 45 minutes, my plan was to walk 30, but I find that little clock on the treadmill oddly encouraging. I watch my distance creep farther and farther and I hear my brain say, "You can keep going!" The second day - yes, I went back another day! - I walked an hour. A whole hour of walking. Then yesterday, I decided to try the elliptical machine. In the past, this machine has kicked my ass. I don't know what happened, but my goal of staying on it for 5 minutes - the first 2 minutes or so were hard, then I realized that I was going backwards and that was just plain SILLY, so I figured out how to go forwards - expanded into 20 minutes. Next I walked on the treadmill for 40 or so minutes. 

And I'm going back today, you just watch me. (I did, went 5 minutes longer on the elliptical, and then a solid thirty minutes of walking>) Even if I have been up since 4:30 with my weird not-sleeping boy. In fact, I can't wait. For me, the complete solitude, the chance to listen to my favorite music REALLY LOUD in my headphones - it feels like a treat. I'm hoping to keep myself motivated by dangling little carrots for myself - such as, after one whole week of consistent exercise, I can buy some new music for my iPod, then move on to some new workout pants, that sort of thing. 

It seems awfully boring to blog (or Tweet, or update Facebook) about my fitness statistics, but it gives me somewhere to write down my little triumphs. I need to be accountable, somehow. I am not an exercise lover. I do not like to move my body; I like to sit on the couch, preferably with a book and a yummy snack (or coffee). I do not like to diet; I am horrible about monitoring my calorie intake, I am even more horrible about caring about what I eat. My incredible metabolism of my teens and early twenties was a blessing and a curse. I got used to eating cheeseburgers and even now, just a few pounds away from 200 lbs, I still think I can. I can't believe I am telling you, dear Internet friends, how much I weigh, but why shouldn't I? I am tired of hiding myself. 

I still think my metabolism is better to me than it should be, and I know I'm going to have to exercise more to really lose any weight. I don't want to get down to anything really crazy low. I'm tall - 5'10-  but with delicate bones. I think I was at my most toothsome around 140 pounds or so; my goal is to hover somewhere close to 150 (which is where I was when I got married). I will say that I was able to lose weight at that time due to anxiety - when I am keyed up, I dont eat very much.  But carrying around THIS much extra weight - very close to where I was when I was pregnant, I did get up to around 205, though I only gained 25 lbs or so - is truly The Suck. It's no fun to not want to be in pictures, because the evidence of being heavy is damning. I feel like I've written this post before, but it's zero fun to feel spectacularly unpretty. I am lumpy and double chinned and my legs, oh whose fat calves are these? I am not this girl; I want to be pretty and enjoy clothes again. I want to be in pictures with my son. I want not to secretly envy skinny girls. (I know I shouldn't, because we women are often very mean to ourselves  in order to stay thin.) To find myself with a 'fat girl' mentality - it sounds so cruel to write that. I don't think badly of people who are fat, but I always wondered, "How do they let themselves get to that point?" Now I know - it's just easier to keep doing whatever you like, whatever isn't too hard - and the thought of launching yourself into a change can be totally overwhelming. It's definitely easier to sit on the couch with my book and my cheeseburger. I've settled into the mama bear look, but I miss being a vixen. 

So, I'm taking it slow, but seriously. At this point, I'm not going on any structured diet. I'm trying to make better choices with each meal. One thing I'm loving is a bowl of Special K cereal right before I work out, plenty of energy for all that walking. I haven't had a Coke since Tuesday. I'm just trying to make small changes, have a salad for lunch, and not box myself into a corner to where all I want to do is hide and stuff potato chips in my mouth. 

And I wanted to let you know. 

Comments

[Carrie]

Good for you Sam! I am going through the same thing for, oh, about the hundreth time. But instead of starving myself I am opting for sensible eating and daily exersize. And slowly but surely, its working. I have lost 40 pounds since having Amelia, and am almost down to my pre-preg weight. I have goals after I meet that one, and some of them may be pipe dreams. Maybe not, who knows? All I know is that when I take that time to do something for myself, to improve my life, I know in my heart that it is making me a better mama, a better example for my sweet girls. Ant THAT makes all the difference.
Love you!
ps. I have opted NOT to tighten my lap-band, and that is a big scary thing for me-- the fear of just how big my appetite can be sometimes. But so far I've been able to keep it under control. No hiding in the corner with the fried chicken!!

[el-e-e]

Girl, you are well on your way! Awesome work so far. I am like you, I really hate writing about it for just that reason -- it seems boring. But we're all always thinking about how we, ourselves, could do better, and a little hint of motivation from another blogger is sometimes helpful. So post (or tweet!) away. :)

[Nancy]

I think it's wonderful!! Taking care of yourself is easy to ignore. I, also, struggle with your problem of being a formerly thin girl who could eat anything and everything. It feels unfair to have to count calories and workout and still be unhappy with your body.... but now I just try to appreciate the good parts about my body... that I am healthy and can wear some cute clothes. Cuz in 10 years I will probably look back and wish I had this body back!! Also, I like reading these update posts... they are inspiring! Keep up the good work!

[Carrie]

I see you upped your elliptical time to 15 min already! It took me about to weeks to do that, so congratulations. My elliptical kicks my butt every time. I hate watching that dang calorie counter, but it does help later when I want that snack and then I think: IF I EAT THAT, THEN ALL MY TIME ON THE ELLIPTICAL WAS WASTED. So then I don't eat it, because honey, the pain was just not worth it!!! Love you!

[Sam]

Oh, y'all are so sweet. Thanks for the encouragement. El-e-e, I think you're right, I love to read little things that other people are doing - you're good about posting those things. It's so hard not to just be down on yourself for letting yourself get big in the first place - and that's such a weird head (and heart) place for me.

Carrie, you are doing GREAT. Forty pounds is AMAZING! To be so committed especially when Amelia is still small, I admire that! And the only way I upped my elliptical time is by going back and doing 2 minutes, and then starting over and doing 3 minutes! But every minute counts! And you're right, seeing those calories really is a good motivator. And having good music is KEY.

[Amy]

I'm so proud of you and am with you on the journey, sista!

xoxo

[bethany actually]

I know exactly how you feel, except I'm 8 inches shorter than you are. ;-) But yeah, the not liking to move, the preferring to sit on the couch with coffee and a book--I'm right there with ya, girl. I think it's fantastic you're getting up and MOVING instead of just bemoaning your fate. And this post has inspired me to get up off the couch and go use the elliptical machine sitting eight feet away from me that I ignore most of the time. Even if I only go for ten minutes, that's better than ten more minutes of sitting here, right?

[Bethany]

Oh, honey. This may mean I'm a sap (not really) or emotionally unbalanced (very likely), but I cried reading this post. Weight is such a tender subject for us women, and no matter how much our children or husbands love our soft parts, we feel the discrepancy between how we look and how our inner pin-up girl wants to look. Can I just say how proud of you I am for
1) Writing about this in your beautiful, honest style, without diminishing your struggle or putting yourself down, and
2) Getting into a workout routine.
I'm not inclined toward exercise either. I had gotten into somewhat of a routine last spring, but it flew out the window when we went to the U.S. in June, and when I got back home with 10 extra pounds (a Stateside trip always seems like a perfectly legitimate excuse to eat fried okra and pecan-praline ice cream every day) and a house to move... well, I haven't touched my tennis shoes since May. But you, my dear, are an inspiration to get up and get moving again. Maybe we can be each other's Reluctant Athlete Cheering Brigade!

[Bethany]

P.S. - I've never even managed 5 minutes on the elliptical. So see, you are one ass-kicking heroine.

[Samantha L.]

Yes! You go, Bethany! 
Seriously, though. The elipitical took me by surprise...I definitely hate running, but I love that I can move FAST and not feel like I'm jarring all my joints like running on pavement does...and lucky you, you have one IN THE HOUSE! Now crank up the music, sister! (I couldn't do it without some seriously good tunes...yesterday it was OutKast's Hey Ya...that song always makes me laugh!) 
:) Sam

[Carrie]

Reluctant athlete cheering brigade, hear hear!!

I love that. Gonna use that! Think we need it on a t-shirt!

[Bethany]

I wish we were close and could do this together. I understand the getting into the mama bear look and missing the vixen. I want to cry when I look at old pictures of myself. And me, who used to be so athletic, who knows how much I DO enjoy exercise, once I get started. We are weighing about the same, my dear. And I hate writing that as much as you did, I'm sure. :D I'm moving in two weeks...and life is crazy now with painting and laying tile, etc. But I may go ahead and ditch the soda. I'd probably lose ten pounds just doing that.

I, too, am jealous of thinner women (even though I, too, feel guilty and stupid being jealous). But even more than looking pretty again, and wanting to be in pictures again (I just about break my neck running from cameras) I also want to be energetic and healthy for my family. I can feel the extra weight in my ankles and back and I hate feeling so old and broken down at 30.

I wish you the best of luck! Maybe we can plan a shopping date for reaching our goal.

150 sounds pretty stinking good to me as well!

[Bethany]

Are you taller than me? How did I never notice that before? :D

[Sam]

I just want to give all y'all a big sweet group hug...and so, where do I go to order shirts with "Reluctant Athlete Cheering Brigade"? I hate that so many of us are beating ourselves up about our looks! Just stop it right now, do you hear me? I absolutely will be coming back and telling you how I'm doing: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

(P.S. I took Sunday off. And I had a Coke at lunch.)

[lindsey]

this is exactly how i felt for my sam's graduation weekend. loving this conversation! p.s. - i know you're gonna look fantastic. now remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.

xoxo

[Sheryl]

Good for you! You can definitely do this. Hey, if you like Pepsi (I know some Coke drinkers don't), you might try Pepsi Max. It really does taste very close to regular Pepsi. As opposed to diet Coke, which tastes nothing like Coke. My husband hates diet soda, but he'll drink Pepsi Max.

[Sheryl]

Or maybe in the South people say Coke when they mean any kind of carbonated soda?

[Sam]

Sheryl, you're right, lots of people down here do use 'coke' for any kind of soda, but I do mean the real Classic Coke. I will have to try the Pepsi Max if I'm really dying for a Coke fix, for sure! I can handle Coke Zero in a pinch, but only if I drink it super fast.

[rachael]

Way to go, Sam!

I know the feeling FAR too well. I'm getting better... but it is tough. I would much, much rather stay at home and cuddle with my family... and enjoy some cupcakes, brownies and fancy mochas.

[Megsie]

I lost 40 pounds a couple of years ago, and now I need to lose again, I haven't weighed myself because I really don't want to know how much I have blown it. I am procrastinating joining Weight Watchers again, but it is inevitable, this just brings me one step closer to walking through that door. I still am not quite ready, since I have done it before I know that the first two weeks suck, and then it seems not too bad. Not easy, but manageable. I am going through all of the "last suppers" before I take the plunge!

I need a T-shirt too!

Thanks for writing about this. It takes so much courage and you wrote about it so well. Congratulations on taking the leap!

xo

[lizardek]

YOu're awesome, Sam. The treadmill clock (and calorie counter) does that to me, too.

[jen]

What an inspiring post! I started gaining weight during student teaching...that was three years ago. Since then, I've done a lot of thinking about the benefits of exercise and the indisputable satisfaction one gets from starting a simple routine of it. (No real exercise yet, though.) I don't think it was a coincidence that I read your post today, and I'm going to try to go to my own gym tomorrow. Thanks! Your blog is great, by the way. You have such an honest, poetic sensibility in your writing!