sending out a signal here, hope you can pick it up loud and clear

"Well, I use to blog, but I kinda don't anymore." 

That really does suck to say out loud, y'all.

I would like to not feel like I have be so honest and say this, especially when writing - oh, writing - is what makes my heart and soul sing. See also: dancing and singing at the same time, which I tend to do in Zumba these days. You know that feeling, where you feel your heart burn within you? People talk about chakras, and if Christians can talk about chakras, well then - let's talk about them, friends.

John Wesley -who famously described his conversion experience as his heart being "strangely warmed - and who I just read today described as a "charismatic rebel" - and I said, "Oh, well that explains why I'll always be a Methodist". Because, somehow, a good little Christian girl became a bit of a rebel along the way. I find myself living into the rebel side of me more, as I become wilder and freer as an woman, more truly myself. An woman who gets up and drives her child to school every day, who had to let her heart break and mend again during that whole new transition, and who still has so many more questions than answers. An woman who refuses leave church or Christianity and who needs to be in the church choir to be happy. In other news, we finally found a church home (FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING) and I'm finally making real friends in this place we journeyed to. It all feels so right and good. I say, real friends - okay more than TWO dear, real friends. 

Sheryl recently posted a question on Facebook about God and love and it got me thinking so hard (which I do all my best thinking in the car, driving, and I drive a LOT these days) that I knew I was going to have to write it all out. But that takes time, and serious rumination, and also? Not so much. But I'll get there real soon. 

A friend and I recently had a long email exchange about all the deep things about motherhood and body image and inner life. She said something so deeply kind to me: "I can tell you've done a lot of "self-care" on this." I dont know that I have, but I just have been circling around it all for a long time. I read, I think, and I ramble on Facebook. I wrote about it here all before I was in it, so speak. I watch the women I admire, so many women I've read for years. I take your wisdom and stick it in a pocket in my soul and I remember. I have my own mother before me, and her mother, and my grandmother in her kitchen, on her porch, in Stone County. Recently, I had a dream that I think is - way disturbing talk for my strictly Christian friends - an invitation to go deeper into the divine feminine side of things, perhaps? I think it's going to be okay, really. Because y'all know I've always been more of a mystic than a theologian. 

That's what I'll always love about blogging, you know - that there are women (and yes, men) I have read for years. You are my friends and I refuse to let you go. You have changed me, and influenced me in such deep, lasting ways. I would not be who I am without you. I can't even start to link to all of you, but your names are like holy beads of a rosary. Now we're all scattered about on social media, but I can always find you if I need to. And some of you I have Googled to track you down, and that sounds super creepy but you don't let kindred spirits go, oh no you don't. Some of you I still wonder about, and wish I could find you and we could talk. There is real love for so many of you, believe it or not. Your lives matter to me.

I write to find myself, to know myself, to make sense of this life. So I guess I should refuse to let myself go, too. 

All that to say, I want to start coming here and writing more. I miss it. Also, in case you didn't know I've been writing once a month about books and reading and holy Moses! Nothing makes me happier. I cannot SHUT UP when I get started. so bless Liz and Kelly for asking me, really, If you want to read my first two columns at Chickadee Road, go here and here. Next week, I'll have something for November but sadly, it does not involve dressing or cranberry sauce or crescent rolls. I'm already a wee bit preoccupied because we're hosting Thanksgiving at my house so go ahead and add me to your prayers, okay? 

 

Comments

[lizardek]

No one seems to be blogging much these days...it bums me out if I think to hard about it. And I include myself. Everyone is over on FB but really, what are we saying there? Nothing that feels lasting.

[Megsie]

Oh, I am included in the non-blogging. Painfully. I will admit that my heart sank when I read your first few lines. I thought you were hanging it up for good. I know you haven't really been writing often, but if you are still *here* then there is always a possibility. And I can visit and leave love if I feel like it. I miss it too. And you...I miss you and your words. I really think we need to work on being more present. For Liz if for nothing else :) But seriously, I know that you have been doing good thinking and revolutioning and transformationing. I really want to witness that. I think I could learn SO much from you. (I always have.) Seeing your new post totally made my day even if I am a day late and a dollar short!

[Bethany Bassett]

I miss your writing too! Picking it back up is the hardest step, so I'd call this post a definite accomplishment. :) Can't wait to read your thoughts on God and love, but I'm sure you could have guessed that. <3

[Megsie]

Happy New Year Sam! xoxoxo